Dear Amy,
Please forgive me for not being in touch – I’ve been extremely busy and some things have taken a back seat. Speaking of which (keep your mind out of the gutter please), I’ve not had the time to read your email below although I skipped to the end and caught the part about Gatorade & Clif bars. Personally, I think you should’ve opened with that – food and/or free stuff is much more likely to catch our attention. Damn that email was long. Here’s an unsolicited suggestion: bullet points. If I’ve learned anything it’s that the judicious use of bullet points can save everyone time and increase happiness.
Ok, the latest:
· I still don’t have a bike but am hoping to by race day. 24 days! Anyone ever do the race on a mountain bike? I will if I have to but my mountain bike’s a piece of you-know-what and the tires are bald. It will not in any way help me beat Derek.
· About Derek, well, what can I say? The rivalry has intensified in a non-communicative way. I know I’m feeling it, he probably is too but since we’re not really speaking I can’t say for sure.
· Have a motto yet for the Aquabike yet? Anything? I’ve got mine and I think it about sums it all up: “Beat Derek. Or die trying”.
· The Pre-Race Race is off. It never really was on, I guess. Just too much to do. Can’t even read your lengthy emails, how am I supposed to organize a Pre-Race Race? Besides, my main sponsor (Russian River Brewery) hasn't come through. Can you imagine that though? What a sponsor!
· Will there be paramedics on site for the big day? I can’t promise anything but between you and me I’m not at all conditioned for 112 miles on a bike. The other day I did twenty-five on my mountain bike and it was brutal. I passed an old guy and for that one moment in time I felt invincible but then he passed me a mile later and I couldn’t catch up. Paramedics would give me the peace of mind in knowing that I won’t actually die trying to beat Derek.
· I got a ticket for running a stop sign in Woodside a few weeks back. WTF? I was on the mountain bike and all these road bikers blew by me and didn’t stop either but Mr. Motorcycle cop ticketed me. I was pissed. Please tell me there won’t be stop signs or cops on race day. (And then just yesterday I got pulled over and ticketed for having my iPod ear buds in both ears while driving – apparently you can only have them in one ear. Since things happen in threes I’m being extra cautious right now.)
· No carnies, friends, or supporters on race day. As you can imagine I was very much counting soaking Derek with water balloons and having my own group of followers to heckle and yell subliminal messages at Derek mid-way through the bike race. “You’re tired, Derek”, “You don’t have it in you, Derek”, “Would you like a Krispy Kreme big guy?”, etc).
I know what you’re thinking – bullet points really do help. Without the bullets above, this would have been just a really long, boring email that lacked focus and just rambled on with non-essential “information”. Much like your email that I may at some point read. Ok, that’s all for now. I really look forward to your race. From everything I heard it will be next to impossible but a great time and if I do survive I will feel a tremendous sense of something.
Very warm regards,
Ted
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