Derek's first correspondence to Amy

Dear Amy,

I am so glad you wrote me. First because I was really excited about your email, specifically the mention of cookies AND Gatorade! Can I put in a request for OATMEAL RAISIN cookies (soft) and YELLOW Gatorade (the original). If you can hook that up, I just might win this thing.

Second, because I had been meaning to address the "Ted" situation. In the past 4 events I have competed in, someone calling himself Ted has sent taunting emails to me and pestered the race coordinators with dumb questions. He always threatens to wear something outrageous, bring his "carny" friends to water balloon me, and he taunts me incessantly about how he is going to beat me in whatever event I've entered. You are probably concerned, as I was initially, about my safety, not to mention any chaos this might cause in your race. Don't be. I've never met this "Ted"...like most internet cowards he scurries away like a cockroach in the sunlight, but I'm pretty sure he has no friends, certainly not carny friends, I've never seen any of my male co-racers wear anything scandalous, I've never been waterballooned, and Ted, whoever he is, won't beat me...not this year.

I have actually come to appreciate his rantings, however incoherent and toothless, as they motivate me to train harder. Yesterday, I crushed 66 miles in the Catskill mountains, the ruthless Winisook-Peekamoose loop, racing against a phantom Ted the whole four hours. I instructed my kids to ambush me with water balloons at some point during the ride, and it didn't slow me at all, in fact, I found it invigorating. Saturday, I went for a 2 mile training swim, upstream in the roaring, 46 degree Esopus whitewater, in my tightest leather pants. I am ready for anything, Amy, and the Gatorade (yellow!) and cookies (oatmeal raisin!) will take me to that level where only elite Aquabikers stroke and pedal.

In the meantime, while I was eating my recovery meal of canned tuna (no mayo) and salt-free saltines, Ted, was drinking and carousing with skanks in "La-La Land" I know this because he sent me pics of some drunken, half-silicone, disease-infested Hollywood hos along with his latest taunts. He said he was "cross training". Ted thinks he can mock me, mock OUR race, and, for that he should be punished. But please don't punish him by banning him from the event. Let him compete, so I, and the Vineman Aquabike, can punish him properly.

Eyes on the Prize,
Derek