Longest ride to date....

Not exactly the race course, but close enough. On the mountain bike - 54.1 miles, 3 hours, 55 minutes, didn't touch ground once. Followed immediately by a wedding cake tasting session, then a pizza and Pliny at the Russian River Brewery. Not exactly what a triathlete would consume immediately after draining him/herself, but I'm not a triathlete and it was perfect.

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Derek - to Amy....

Dear Amy,

My training is going very well, thank you, and I am getting excited for race day. As you may remember, I emailed you earlier about my desire to
1. Beat Ted
2. Drink yellow Gatorade during the ride without having to stop at 7-11 like I normally do
3. Eat oatmeal raisin cookies on the ride (life is short, and oatmeal raisin cookies must be the healthiest possible cookie, right?)

My desire to beat Ted has not waned, though I mostly just want to see him suffer, since his taunting has caused me so much suffering over the years. Knowing how taxing Ted can be on race coordinators (Victoria (09 - Hamptons) and Ashleigh (07 - Cape Cod) quit after Ted's races, Wanda (06 - Witchita) and Sheila (08 - Honduras) both had to be institutionalized for significant stints to calm their post-Ted nerves), I would guess that by this point you want me to make Ted suffer as well.

And yet, your most recent announcement reads (to me at least) like a personal rejection of my modest desires and a stubborn denial of our mutual interest. I politely request yellow Gatorade andoatmeal cookies for the ride, and you gleefully report that there will be orange G2 and bananas on the ride and all the cookies and yellow G2 you can shove down your throat on the run.

Amy, let's not forget that WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM! Don't confuse me with Ted. As Reagan said: We have seen the enemy, and he is Ted. As the Bible says: KNOW THINE ENEMY (in this case, TED)!

Amy, I implore you: Yellow G2 and oatmeal cookies on the ride! We can do this!

On 3...BEAT TED!

Your ally,
Derek

My kind of "focus group". Love the growler*!

*Growler may mean something different to you, in this case it's the large flask of Russian River select.

Dear Charlie....

Hi Charlie,

I must say, I am very impressed with all of the services offered to those of us competing in the 2010 Vineman Aquabike. It would be a pleasure and honor to be a part of your focus group.

A little bit about me: I am a surfer/mountain biker/solar guy who's always been passionate about the extreme and recently have focused my attention on bi/triathlons. If you were a psychologist you might say I'm doing it to avoid thinking about my impending nuptials, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, it's there because the wedding will be in Bodega Bay. Last year I excelled/survived the Might Hapmton Tri but I wasn't engaged it was just something to do after staying up all night.

Anyway, I have developed a unique training program that is specifically designed for me to beat Derek once again. Derek McConnell. Is he in your focus group? He should be, he's a contestant in this race as well and probably my toughest direct competition. Aside from myself, right? We must overcome ourselves before we can overcome Derek.

Oh, I like that. That may be my new motto. Up until now it has been "Beat Derek. Or Die Trying". I'm not sure if I'm willing to die trying, but I'm not ruling it out either. For now I'm awaiting confirmation from Amy if there will be paramedics on race day. That would give me some peace of mind because between you and me I'm not at all conditioned to bike 112 miles, particularly after swimming for 90 minutes.

Will there be prizes or gifts for those of us in the focus group? If I may, in exchange for my time and knowledge I'd love a membership to your Triathlon organization. Is that fair? At a minimum please bring some Gatorade and Clif Bars.

Thanks very much for asking me to be a part of your focus group.

Ted

Focus Group? Hell yeah.

Invite from Amy to be a part of USA Triathlon's Vineman focus group:

Hello All,

Charlie Paddock, the Research Coordinator with USA Triathlon would like to put together a focus group for the AquaBike at Vineman. Below is a message from him. Please take a look and if you are interested get in touch with Charlie directly. (PLEASE do not email me!).

Thanks all and we look forward to seeing you all in a few weeks time.

Best regards,

Amy

Dear AquaBike Athlete,

You have been identified as a participant of the Vineman AquaBike in Windsor, CA on July 31st, 2010. In an attempt to learn more about our AquaBike members, USA Triathlon will be conducting a focus group with AquaBike athletes on the afternoon of Friday, July 30th, 2010, at Windsor High School. The exact time for the focus group will be forwarded once confirmation is received. The focus group will be roughly an hour long, and will be an opportunity to discuss your experiences as an AquaBike athlete. Your thoughts and opinions will help us develop a better understanding of our AquaBike athletes and how USAT can better support your multisport lifestyle. If you are interested in participating in this focus group, please send your contact information, including: name, phone number, and email address to Charlie.paddock@usatriathlon.org by July 14th, 2010.

When I need a little abuse....

I do this:

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Approximately 24 miles with a solid 3.4 mile climb up Old La Honda which includes a 1,300 ft elevation gain at 8.3% gradient.

Email #3 to Race Director

Amy sent out to all of us contestants a long, rambling email. Here's what she got back:

Dear Amy,

Please forgive me for not being in touch – I’ve been extremely busy and some things have taken a back seat. Speaking of which (keep your mind out of the gutter please), I’ve not had the time to read your email below although I skipped to the end and caught the part about Gatorade & Clif bars. Personally, I think you should’ve opened with that – food and/or free stuff is much more likely to catch our attention. Damn that email was long. Here’s an unsolicited suggestion: bullet points. If I’ve learned anything it’s that the judicious use of bullet points can save everyone time and increase happiness.

Ok, the latest:

· I still don’t have a bike but am hoping to by race day. 24 days! Anyone ever do the race on a mountain bike? I will if I have to but my mountain bike’s a piece of you-know-what and the tires are bald. It will not in any way help me beat Derek.

· About Derek, well, what can I say? The rivalry has intensified in a non-communicative way. I know I’m feeling it, he probably is too but since we’re not really speaking I can’t say for sure.

· Have a motto yet for the Aquabike yet? Anything? I’ve got mine and I think it about sums it all up: “Beat Derek. Or die trying”.

· The Pre-Race Race is off. It never really was on, I guess. Just too much to do. Can’t even read your lengthy emails, how am I supposed to organize a Pre-Race Race? Besides, my main sponsor (Russian River Brewery) hasn't come through. Can you imagine that though? What a sponsor!

· Will there be paramedics on site for the big day? I can’t promise anything but between you and me I’m not at all conditioned for 112 miles on a bike. The other day I did twenty-five on my mountain bike and it was brutal. I passed an old guy and for that one moment in time I felt invincible but then he passed me a mile later and I couldn’t catch up. Paramedics would give me the peace of mind in knowing that I won’t actually die trying to beat Derek.

· I got a ticket for running a stop sign in Woodside a few weeks back. WTF? I was on the mountain bike and all these road bikers blew by me and didn’t stop either but Mr. Motorcycle cop ticketed me. I was pissed. Please tell me there won’t be stop signs or cops on race day. (And then just yesterday I got pulled over and ticketed for having my iPod ear buds in both ears while driving – apparently you can only have them in one ear. Since things happen in threes I’m being extra cautious right now.)

· No carnies, friends, or supporters on race day. As you can imagine I was very much counting soaking Derek with water balloons and having my own group of followers to heckle and yell subliminal messages at Derek mid-way through the bike race. “You’re tired, Derek”, “You don’t have it in you, Derek”, “Would you like a Krispy Kreme big guy?”, etc).

I know what you’re thinking – bullet points really do help. Without the bullets above, this would have been just a really long, boring email that lacked focus and just rambled on with non-essential “information”. Much like your email that I may at some point read. Ok, that’s all for now. I really look forward to your race. From everything I heard it will be next to impossible but a great time and if I do survive I will feel a tremendous sense of something.

Very warm regards,

Ted

Derek's first correspondence to Amy

Dear Amy,

I am so glad you wrote me. First because I was really excited about your email, specifically the mention of cookies AND Gatorade! Can I put in a request for OATMEAL RAISIN cookies (soft) and YELLOW Gatorade (the original). If you can hook that up, I just might win this thing.

Second, because I had been meaning to address the "Ted" situation. In the past 4 events I have competed in, someone calling himself Ted has sent taunting emails to me and pestered the race coordinators with dumb questions. He always threatens to wear something outrageous, bring his "carny" friends to water balloon me, and he taunts me incessantly about how he is going to beat me in whatever event I've entered. You are probably concerned, as I was initially, about my safety, not to mention any chaos this might cause in your race. Don't be. I've never met this "Ted"...like most internet cowards he scurries away like a cockroach in the sunlight, but I'm pretty sure he has no friends, certainly not carny friends, I've never seen any of my male co-racers wear anything scandalous, I've never been waterballooned, and Ted, whoever he is, won't beat me...not this year.

I have actually come to appreciate his rantings, however incoherent and toothless, as they motivate me to train harder. Yesterday, I crushed 66 miles in the Catskill mountains, the ruthless Winisook-Peekamoose loop, racing against a phantom Ted the whole four hours. I instructed my kids to ambush me with water balloons at some point during the ride, and it didn't slow me at all, in fact, I found it invigorating. Saturday, I went for a 2 mile training swim, upstream in the roaring, 46 degree Esopus whitewater, in my tightest leather pants. I am ready for anything, Amy, and the Gatorade (yellow!) and cookies (oatmeal raisin!) will take me to that level where only elite Aquabikers stroke and pedal.

In the meantime, while I was eating my recovery meal of canned tuna (no mayo) and salt-free saltines, Ted, was drinking and carousing with skanks in "La-La Land" I know this because he sent me pics of some drunken, half-silicone, disease-infested Hollywood hos along with his latest taunts. He said he was "cross training". Ted thinks he can mock me, mock OUR race, and, for that he should be punished. But please don't punish him by banning him from the event. Let him compete, so I, and the Vineman Aquabike, can punish him properly.

Eyes on the Prize,
Derek

My Main Biking Loop

All this time I was under the assumption I was biking 25 miles. And as time progressed and my time got under 90 minutes (1:26 BT), I kept thinking I was really moving. Turns out it's only 20 miles. I'm screwed.

View 20 mile bike loop in a larger map

In the meantime, email #2 to Amy the Race Director

Hi Amy,

Wow. That website is helpful. Thanks so much for suggesting I read it completely. Since I didn't see any slogan's or taglines on the website, for now allow me to suggest that you borrow one from the Mighty Hampton's Tri: "Face your fears, Live your dreams". Isn't that what we'll all be doing come July 31st?!

That, and Beating Derek.

Now, on to business. I may in fact come up and do the course before hand as you suggest, perhaps in early July. I'm thinking of putting together a little informal pre-race race. The 2010 Pre-Race Vineman AquaBike Race (PVAR). Can you perhaps let the others know that this will be happening. We'll keep it simple so as to not overshadow the main race, but there will be awards for the contestants (medals, etc) and recognition in local newspapers and blogs.

Just like the last tri-event I did (Sept '09), I will have a large group of friends supporting me. Some are surfer buddies from Hawaii, a few are close friends from my summer working as a carny. Last year they pulled a surprise ambush on Derek (surprise to him, not to me since I masterminded the whole operation) as he approached the final 500 yds of the run. With water balloons and super-soakers they attacked him mercilessly - it was hilarious. Most of the spectators thought it was funny, and I think Derek did too once he got up off the ground and dusted himself off.

Do you mind if we do that again to Derek in this years AquaBike? Since there is no run (thank the Lord) we'll have to find a more suitable time to do it but rest assured it will be a surprise and probably no one else except Derek will get hit with the balloons. All in good fun, right?

Also, I may have a very skimpy bathing suit, I assume that's ok. It covers everything but its tight and minimalistic for less drag. One of the many things I'll be doing to try to get any advantage I can over Derek.

Speaking of Derek, has he contacted you? He won't return any of my calls but I think he's been training hard. He actually has a road bike (I don't, but hope to by July 31st) and may have a slight competitive advantage on the bike. A strategically timed water balloon attack could potentially negate that. Although Derek is very much like a sleeping bear, and as we know its often best to let sleeping bears be.

Anyway, I love what you are doing with this event and can't wait. I do have some suggestions on how it could be better but right now I just want to focus on starting to train and keep my eye on the prize (beating Derek).

Thanks again for some of your suggestions,

Ted

We need sponsorship, right?

Can anyone say "Pliny"? I can think of nothing better than a cold Pliny post-race. I will race for you, Pliny. Will you be there for me?

Must...contact...Russian River Brewery.

Forwarded response to Derek

Forwarded Amy's reply to Derek, with this:

Lame. She's about to get bombed. Fire away dude.

I must say - at least she's environmental. She probably doesn't deserve what we're going to unleash on her, but she'll get it anyway. You're up, D.

Response #1

The best tip…..read the website, know the course and since you live somewhat locally, come and swim and ride the course so you know what to expect.

Amy

Amy Latourette

Vineman, Inc.

707-528-1630

707-523-0577 (fax)

P Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.

Let the correspondence being: Email #1 to Race Director

Dear Race Director and Esteemed Aquabike organizers,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ted, and I want to make it clear I am not a triathlete. Not really a bi-athlete either. But come July 31st I'm gonna be one damn tough-to-beat competitor, if only for Derek.

For who, you ask? Derek, my arch rival, nemesis, and sometimes best friend. Yes, once again I am making it my sole purpose in life to Beat Derek. There are many tactics I will employ to do so in your fine race, because simply outpacing him for a 112 mile bike ride might not happen. (I own him in the water, I'm like aquaman on crack).

I have many many questions for you, but I just want to know if you have any suggestions on how I might train to maximize my results or at least finish the race. Do you have any tips or tricks that I may use? Your secret is safe with me as I will not share any of this information with Derek.

Thanks very much for any insider information you can provide.

In gratitude,

Ted

"Face your fears, Live your dreams, and Beat Derek"*

*tag line from last years Mighty Hampton Tri. Does AquaBike have a tag line?

Every good race has a race director....

...and its important to stay in close contact with the race director, right? He/she will keep you informed of what's going on as race day nears, and being the good contestant that I am....I'll do the same.

You'd expect nothing less, right?

It's on....

We'll, Derek went and did it again. He threw out a challenge, knowing I'd accept, and thus forcing us both to commit to something that neither of us will likely be able to complete:

The 2010 Vineman AquaBike Biathlon

2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike. Those numbers look familiar? Yeah, that's Ironman Distance. We're f'ed.