Derek's Post-Race opinion in the form of a letter to Race Director Victoria

Dear Victoria, Trevor, and other Eventpower VIPs,

First, I want to thank Victoria for her impressive management of a magnificent event, and her impeccable handling of Ted and his bipolar rantings and commitment issues. To be able to maintain an informative, though cautious, tone, to look a potential West Coast wack-job in the eye with a straight face, even a half smile, indicates people skills that will carry you to the top of the triathlon organizing world, and beyond.

Secondly, I would like to file a protest.

Yes, technically, according to those "computer chips" we were forced to wrap around our ankles, Ted beat me: `Ted 2:47, Derek `3:15.

What Ted didn't tell you, Victoria, as he shouted this news to all who would listen, was that I was discombobulated, hobbled, and sidelined for at least 23 minutes by not one, but three flat tires.
On race morning, we biked over from North Haven, and I got a flat. Ted played savior, using his can-do carny skills to help get a new tube in my bike 2 minutes before our purple wave was to hit the water. What a true gentleman- I thought - a good friend and a model triathlete.

9 miles into the bike, my front tire went flat again. I sat roadside for 10 minutes like a hitchhiker in front of Sing SIng, cursing my "luck" and praying for race support. It finally came in the form of a co-racer, Katie, who should be be given a free pass next year for stopping, giving me her CO2 and extra tube, and even offering to help my repair. (All I know is her name is Katie, she is around 40, and she finished 3:30 or higher due to stomach problems.) I thanked her, sent her on her way, was back on the road after a 21 minute pit stop, and made up ground until I went flat again, this time with no recourse, and only 1 mile from the Transition Area.

To shorten things, (but hey, Tri season must be winding down, right?), I finished strong, met my family and Ted at the finish area, and was pleased with how I handled my "misfortune" until I returned my rented bike to Tri-Guy. (Who was there to get his bike back, but not to help me when I needed him at 6:30 AM). Tri-Guy quickly diagnosed the problem, a tiny shard of glass on the inside of the tire, a common affliction on wet, sticky roads. Again, bad luck, right?

But as the tri-fog lifted, I started putting some pieces together. Ted, for instance, hadn't slept at all last night. He said he was texting West Coast friends and watching the Wire, but he could well have been sabotaging my front tire.

Why was he so helpful pre-race then? Duh! He didn't want me to get be unable to compete, his plan was for me to break down out near Water Mill so he could win the easy way. From hostile (I can supply pre-race texts from Ted that will drop your jaw) to helpful so quick, I should have known I was dealing with a sociopath, not a good Samaritan.

Anyway, I'm sure you will want to begin a through investigation of Ted, resulting in disqualification from the race, exclusing from future races, and perhaps public shaming at his first race back. If you decide we should run the race again, I will be there, but hurry, the water isn't going to get any warmer. I would start the investigation with Tri-Guy...see if he still has that piece of glass...perhaps a lab can see if it matches with glass from our friend Wolfies' house, where we stayed the night before. I will be happy to come in and testify.

Thanks for your time and consideration,
Derek McConnell, tri-victim

Ted's Post-race Recap

While there were no losers yesterday, there can be only one winner. Yes, you guessed it: I BeatDerek. For those of you following me on Twitter @BeatDerek, and enjoying the blog www.justbeatderek.blogspot.com, I appreciate your support. You were with me for part of the swim. I forgot about you during the bike, and hallucinated during most of the run, but you understand. Nevertheless, I couldn't have done this without your partial support.

First off, a few awards:

Sportsmanship Award

This goes to Derek. Despite three flats, he never got mad or broke anything. He wanted to. In fact, in a true display of graciousness, he accepted a spare tire tube from some old lady (Katie) who bonked at about the same place he got his flat.

Still Got Some In the Tank Award:

Derek. He sprinted the last 100 yards. I think he just wanted to appear strong and unfazed by the event at the end, when the crowd was looking. Who really sprints anything after all that? Apparently Derek. Me, I was running on fumes.

Cockiest Bastard Award:

Again, Derek. He challenged his three kids (one's only 5 weeks), to a pushup and situp contest AFTER the race. Like, look at me, I just did all that and now I'm gonna beat you little punks, too. Notice: he did not challenge me.

Generosity Award:

Mark Wolfson, for housing us at his pad in the Hamptons, wining and dining us the night before the race at World Pie in Bridgehampton, and allowing us full access to all food and beverages at his home.

A close second goes to Derek, as he shared (loaned) me a liquid sports gel.

It was a great day: weather was perfect, a little misty, wet, and foggy to start but not too hot. The water wasn't cold, but both Derek and I were of the less than 2% of people who didn't sport a tri-wetsuit. Apparently they make you buoyant and faster. We didn't need it. There were 1300 people competing, about 900 finished. We finished.

Highlights:

1. We stayed in a rather large house about 2 miles from the race. We biked in at 5:45am and Derek got a flat on the way in. The first of his three flats for the day

2. We fixed his flat, missed the pre-race meeting, but made it to the starting line w/ about 2 minutes to spare.

3. Despite 1000+ people in the water, I got kicked by no one. I may not have been so considerate.

4. I was 61st after the swim.

5. Given it was my first time on a true road bike, I wasn't expecting much but hoping for a sub 1:25 time for the 24 miles. Did it in 1:13, putting me at 227th.

6. One hour and two minutes put me 704th in the run. Just finishing it was an accomplishment given I didn't/don't run.

7. My overall time of 2 hours 47 minutes was under the goal of 3 hours, and more importantly enough to beat Derek. Derek did an approximate 2:55 when we subtract the 20 minutes he was delayed fixing the flat at mile 9 of the bike ride (a.k.a. taking a prolonged rest break with Katie).

8. We got to meet the race director, Victoria, who of course knew of Derek and I, as she had been receiving my emails for a couple of weeks. Despite her preoccupation with running the Tri, I could tell she was happy to meet and know the man that was emailing about all things related to Beating Derek.

Some of you know, I didn't go to be the night before the tri. Its true, although I don't recommend competing on no sleep, if you can't sleep because of say timezone, coffee, nerves, whatever, the best isn't to fight it and instead just email and text friends, raid the kitchen for chocolate chip cookies and gummy worms, and enjoy old episodes of The Wire. Worked for me.

Observations:

I inherently dislike triathletes. They're so healthy, so in shape, so conditioned. They talk of sports bars (not the fun kind), consume way too many supplements, and compare things like super-tight bike shorts and wicking socks.

The Hamptons is alright. Kinda boring, actually.

Derek is 30 pounds lighter than last time I saw him. Wow.

I will never run another race. Duathalon of swim/bike, sure. But no more running. Its just not good for you.

Conclusion:

Both of us are sore today, but like Michael Jordan once said, winning feels no pain. And in that light, despite an inability to crouch, lean over, or walk, I feel great.

You can see detailed results below, with times and standings broken down for the swim, bike, run, as well as for the two transitions (one between swim and bike, the second between bike and run):

http://results.active.com/pages/searchform.jsp?&rsID=83577&bib=389&queryType=arbitrary&page=1&numPerPage=25&posted_p=t&showCustom=true

Again, thanks to some of you for your partial support.

Ted

Might Hamptons Triathlete

"face your fears, live your dreams, and beat Derek

Houston We Have A Pre-race Problem

Hi Victoria and Trevor,

Hello and greetings from Long Island! Yes, I've made it to Miller Place, Long Island, and through communication and a gift offering I have patched things up with Derek. We even shvitzed together yesterday in New York to get ready for the big race.

Problem: I've gone on to the website to register and can't find it. Where can I pick up my ticket? Please tell me its still ok to do this because I'm here all the way from California and ready to do it. A race bike has even been secured from the Tri-Guy! I don't care if you can't honor my request for a discount, I'd really just like to register and pay. Derek will use this against me forever if I don't do the race.

Here's my pertinent info:

Ted Fawcett

PO Box 1202

Mountain View, CA 94042

650.521.7292 cell

11/26/1973

height: 5'10"

weight: 190

size: large

inseam: 29"

waist: 34"

shoe: 11wide

College: University of Richmond

Favorite Band: Grateful Dead

Girlfriend (soon to be fiancé): Elaine

Dog: Rogue the Shiba Inu

Interest in doing the race: High

Confidence I can beat Derek: not so high

Portfolio: Strong to quite strong

Credit Card info: (I'll give that to you if you need it)

Please help with this pre-race emergency. I will be available all day as we're resting and hopefully getting calf rubs from Darcy. Cheers!

Ted

That was easy!

Well, I beat Ted, the easy way.
He got his Jet Blue pass, he got a bike reserved from Tri-Guy at the last minute, he got a shot of Jaeger, he got a Russian loofa massage from Bruno and a shave and a shvitz at the Turkish baths to sweat out the Jaeger, he got Bonk bars and Accelerade and tri shorts at the Sports Basement.

However, he forgot to register. Registration is closed, and the race is tomorrow. This is obviously Ted's inner loser saying, "Derek is a lean manimal, I am a soft fluffy office mouse. I have no chance; therefore, I won't even try." It may be that Ted is concerned that they will be checking gender claims more seriously in light of the recent hermaphrodite sprinter controversy.

Whatever the reason, I have to admit, it's dissappointing. I was looking forward to beating Ted the honest way, stalking him as he hobbled along on his defective leg, pausing to stare coldly into his plaintive eyes.
Ted: "Dude, my leg really hurts."
Derek: "I don't care."

There are some ways this can be salvaged. Ted could talk his way into the race at registration packet pick up today. I'm sure Victoria and Trevor will go out of their way to accomodate him given the relationship they have developed.
Or, Ted could race as a free agent, evading race authorities the whole way, a Jason Bourne in tight spandex shorts.

More communication with the Mighty Tri people (cont.)

Hi Victoria,

Thank you for your help. I hope Trevor is doing well, too. A couple of new developments as we approach the big day!

1. I may not be wearing the skimpy yellow suit. You're right, it would be fun for the spectators, and it does look good on me. But I spoke with Rodrick the semi-pro tri man at the store this past weekend and he recommended a special suit designed just for these kind of events. It's like really tight swim shorts with a little padding in the nether region. Between you and me, I don't like it - its very "constricting". But he says it will help me in my quest to beat Derek because I will not lose valuable time in the transition areas. Makes sense I suppose.

2. Will it be ok if I use a hybrid mountain bike? Are there any off-road areas on the bike course one should worry about? Are there any jumps (kickers)? I don't think the event will care what kind of bike I use but it never hurts to ask.

3. Only one carny friend and one surfer buddy will be joining. Allow me to introduce James of Waverley (carny), and Johnny A (surfer). James was a hawker at the axe throw booth, which is funny because he's terrible at throwing axe (see attached from summer '07). All day James would yell "Hey greenie, do you see how I just scored a sawback off that rube?". Johnny is a medium-wave surfer although he'll tell you he's a big-wave surfer. Regardless, he has decent form for an older, out-of-shape dude (keep in mind he's sucking in his stomach in the pic). He's been surfing since he was a little bambino in New Jersey, and is looking forward supporting me in my quest to beat Derek.

4. Are there any possible discounts I could have with regards to the entry fee? Does $165 seem expensive? Probably not for Derek as his wife is a doctor. I know what you're thinking - I should just ask his wife to cover me. Well, we don't talk much anymore since I slept with one of her bridesmaids at their wedding in 2003. Would the Mighty Hamptons be open to discounts? Or "interesting trades"? Just name your price, but please don't say $165.

5. Lastly, Rodrick recommended that I shave my body for this event. Come on, is that necessary? My former girlfriend once suggested the same thing. She said I reminded her of Chewbacca. I need all the competitive advantage one can legally get (no 'roids thank you very much), but at some point a man has to draw the line. I think taking a razor to my legs and back is only acceptable if I pass out drunk.

What do you think, Victoria/Trevor? I know I ask a lot of questions but I'm excited and nervous and ready for this damn event.

In anticipation of the Mighty Hapmton's Tri 2009,

Ted

One last thing....Derek has officially gone radio-silent. He left me a message saying I've crossed the line and that he'll see me at the starting line at 6:40. Is that how early the race is? Since I won't be staying with him and his wife, and since he won't return my calls, I'm probably going to hitch from New York out to Sag Harbor on Saturday and "camp" on the beach. I can't be late if I'm already there, right?

** "Face your fears, live your dreams, and above all beat Derek." **

Today's ride

It's the last weekend before the big race. Derek, not surprisingly, has gone radio silent. Is he pushing two-a-day's, riding and swimming, or biking and running, or swimming and running, I don't know. Perhaps he has begun to taper and is out drinking martini's - or, his second favorite drink, a cosmo - with Darcy. Either way, his isn't doing this:

View Larger Map

24.8 miles, 1:55. Personal best on Old LaHonda, climbing the 3.0 miles and 1350 ft in 31:45. First attempt was 35:00, second was 32:45, and now one week later I've beaten that by a minute. My strength and endurance on the bike have steadily improved; it's nice to see the time reflect the work thats gone into these improvements.

The last time Derek was off-grid for this duration was when he and Britt semester'd in Montana the first 6 months of their senior year. I was a junior, living in Apt 1105, with Dave Austen, Griff, and Joe Basile. Phish made its introduction, I was generating positive cash from at AMF, and college wasn't so bad. But Britt and Derek were in a far off place, doing cool, wild-west-like things with new people in new lands. It was good for them, as Britt came back knowing his purpose was to get a dog, and Derek returned with a stronger sense of self. Growth, change, and evolution are rarely a bad thing - you'd have to ask them but I think they'd both agree it was time well spent in Montana.

So today I picked up tri-suits for both Derek and I. They're basically bike shorts with a little less padding, sporting pockets in the back for energy bars, etc. I tried on a medium, fit perfectly, so I picked up a large for Derek. It'd be nice to keep the playing field relatively level - meaning: same bikes, and attire - so that no one feels things were uneven. Because on Sunday, it should come down to two things: what you've done to prepare for this event, and the degree to which you're willing to lay in on the line.

And Mighty Hampton's followup (finally!)

Hi Ted,

I received your emails and the photos. I am glad I am not involved with this rivalry....Trevor has been out of the office and will be here tomorrow and can email you back...I told him we received the image of the photo and it should be fun for the spectators!

If you do not do the run, there is not another option...but you can have one of your friends run for you and be a relay team....as for the water balloons....please make sure you do not hit any other athletes or spectators. If it is towards your friend in a good nature that is okay, but there cannot be any high tech water balloon throwing gadgets involved or anything that could injure someone....we had a lady running and a car going 50 threw a water balloon at her and she got a welt on her back....that cant be allowed...but a friendly toss is okay. and for the bathing suit...that will add some excitement to the event!

I look forward to seeing you at the event and hope you recover from that run!

Sincerely,

Victoria Belegrinos

Race Director

EventPower

eventpowerli.com

office: 631.458.1171

fax: 631.614.3597

Paging Mighty Hamptons Tri...(continued)

Hello Mr. Anderson,

Never heard back from you on my last email. I hope you're ok. There has been some change of plans and I wanted to bring you into the loop.

1. I may not do the run. And if so I probably will not sport the wig. Last Thursday I went for my first run in over a year, and while I was able to complete the requisite 6.2 miles, its now Tuesday and I still can't walk. So, I will likely forgo the running portion of the triathlon, and in doing so will not be wearing the wig at any point. (Maybe afterwards as we replenish and cool down at the local day spa or brewery - suggestions welcome of course).

2. What started out as a friendly competition between long-time friends has evolved into a heated rivalry the likes of which I've not been a part of since our fraternity brawled with the Sigma Chi's back in '95. We won, and on September 13th, as in college, I shall win too. But Derek has been just ruthless, writing untruths about me and publicly challenging my manliness. Some of it is actually true - by that I mean I may not be training as hard as him. But he's been blogging about it incessantly - as much blogging or more than he's training. In contrast, I've set up a Twitter account so that people can track my progress. It's shorter and more to the point, unlike Derek's rambling blog postings and such. Are you aware of his blog? You can follow me Trevor if you want on Twitter at: @BeatDerek.

3. Instead of the run, could I do something else? Is there some other physical feat of endurance that doesn't involve running that I may try?

4. Lastly, a few of my surfer friends will be there, as well as some carnies that I traveled/worked with a couple of summers ago. They are all good people, there is nothing to fear. They had secretly planned on water ballooning me during the run to cool me off (I thought something was up - hence the need for the wig). While they inherently dislike rules and regulations, they respond well to instructions and guidance. I would not recommend making any threats or trying things of the sort as you never know how a carny will react. Since I won't be running, I will probably be with them - I'm the unofficial leader - and we will all water balloon Derek instead. He doesn't know it yet, but boy will he be surprised. And happy.

Thanks for putting on a topnotch production. Can't wait - 13 days!

Ted

ps...I guess my point was is it still ok to wear the yellow skimpy suit? It covers my "standard" body parts, as required. Thanks!

Taking Training to New Heights

Spent the past weekend up in Tahoe with Elaine and Rogue. Its beautiful there. Big green trees*, massive granite rocks, and clear blue water. Crisp, refreshing, clear blue water. It's sad that in everyday life we don't spend more time in nature, although 42 of our 44 hours in Tahoe this weekend were outside and that felt right.

Training over the weekend:

Friday - Off, couldn't walk, could barely drive a car after the 10k run on Thursday

Saturday - Solid mile+ morning swim across Donner Lake and back, with an afternoon leisurely swim in Lake Tahoe snorkeling/exploring

Sunday - 12.2 mile bike around Donner Lake and the surrounding area. A quick 1:05 which included a 26 minute, 1000 foot climb up to the SugarBowl Pass. Topped off the day by hiking an hour with Elaine and Rogi. Highlight: Elaine walked the plank!

Its become quite cliché in the sporting world - especially amongst endurance athletes and UFC fighters - to do high altitude training. It makes sense when you figure in the lack of oxygen and you really do notice a difference when you're at 6,000 ft. What might be somewhat challenging at sea level becomes downright brutal when you're a mile up. But its good for the body, and for the mind.

My legs have recovered slightly since Thursday's run, and surprisingly Sunday's bike/hike helped. Note: running a 10k after not having run at all in something like 3 years doesn't work. Start slow, maybe do a mile, work up to the 6 miles. But don't think you can get off the couch, run 6 miles and then wake up the next day feeling fine.

Like Derek, the Mighty Hamptons Tri will be the last time I ever run - for training or in an event. I may play ultimate, I'll do pick up games and such, but never again will I put on some running shoes and just go for a jog. Its not healthy. And it really isn't fun.

Tomorrow, sometime after getting coffee but before I start another long and arduous day of doing nothing at work, I'm going to revisit the lack of response from Trevor regarding my inquiry into the tri attire. Surely it warrants a response. Maybe he just needs a little prompting.

*No idea what kind of trees they are. Fir? Redwood? Probably should know.

Might-y Might-y Man. I want to be a Mighty Man. (Continuation of the email exchange)

Thanks Trevor. I like your quote. I've amended it a just a little for me:

Face your fears, live your dreams, wear something "so nice".

Allow me to be upfront here. This is my first tri of any significance. I am an accomplished regional surfer and have come to learn that swimming/biking/running in succession is exactly like surfing ("NOT") and in fact a whole hell of a lot harder. That being said, I have two goals: one is to at-all-costs beat my friend Derek who also is competing in the Mighty Hamptons, and two is to finish in under three hours.

To that end, I'll be sporting a very minimalist swimsuit (see stock photo attached). Normally I wear boardshorts, so you can imagine my fear of exposing so much skin. Still, to beat Derek this is what I must do. Just want to get your OK Trevor before I get there.

Btw, I'll be coming in from California. Can't wait. I've heard very nice things about Long Island and the Hamptons. I have not heard that the surf is any good there, but you can't have it all, can you? I'm attaching a picture of the wig, too, just so you get an idea of what I'll look like during the run. See, you can't tell its me.

Again, thanks for your help,

Ted
aspiring MightyMan

Ps...I'm the one in purple. Dave, the guy whose pants are too short, will not be doing the tri. He's actually in great shape from two-a-days with PX-90 or something of the sort, but alas he won't be traveling for this tri. I know what you're thinking - what an interesting home. Yes, that's a picture of Yankee Stadium. Two of my many many surfboards in the background. Why is there an inflatable mattress? I don't know. And the praying Buddha, well, what can I say.

Mighty Hampton's response....

Ted,

Thanks for your inquiry. The dress code for the race basically requires that you cover the "standard" body parts. Wigs are not frequently sported, however if your identity must remain anonymous, so it will be. Mighty Man- "Face your fears, live your dreams."

Respectfully,

Trevor
EventPower

Suggested attire for this party? Sent to Might Hamptons Tri:

Hello...

Wondering if there is a dress code for the swim and run portions of the race? Are speedo's/skimpy suits ok for the swim? Can I wear a wig during the run (so i remain anonymous). Thanks for any information you can provide.

Ted

Here's my theory on why I'm going to win. By Derek.

Here's my theory on why I'm going to win this thing despite my 88% body hair coverage and my "going problem": There is only one man in this race, and I am him.

My opponent may be a charming pleasure boat captain and a strong swimmer, but he is not yet a man. Today, while I was applying the second coat of joint compound on the drywall I had to patch up after I tore my kitchen wall down...WITH MY BARE HANDS...., while I putting up moldings with my NAIL GUN....BAREFOOT, while I was chatting with the Home Depot employee men in Hardware and plumbing about a way to secure the front lip of my sink that I dropped into the hole in the soapstone countertop...THAT I CUT, WITH A SAW, my opponent was no doubt googling and twittering and occasionally spreadsheeting when the boss came around, all the while looking forward to "Pau Hana", maybe a Cosmo at that new wine bar across the street, maybe some rock climbing or parasurfing or some other leisure activity meant to distract him for his 48 free hours from the fact that he deep into his thirties and has no male heir, just a stylish dog is considering moving to Hollwood after he got on the cover of the "Metrosexual" section of the LA Times.

While I was working, in the true sense of creating something, with my hands, I was looking forward to my leisure time, a six mile run down to the pier at Mt. Sinai Harbor, then back along Cedar Beach. My legs felt stronger than ever, the shoes I fashioned out of some discarded linoleum flooring and some wire ties held up quite well, the bluefish were biting, and when I felt weak for a moment, I reached into another man's 5 gallon bucket (we know one another by scent), pulled out a cocktail snapper, and took a bite. I ran off, shouting "Thanks, bro!" with a mouth full of scales, blood, and bluefish flesh, rejuvenated and happy as the clams he was using for bait.

After my workout, I held one of my male sons and let him spit up on my bare chest as I fixed a gin and tonic WITH ONE HAND!

Yesterday, while biking to QUOGUE!, I got a flat tire around mile 8 and was distressed to see the air compressor at the Hess at Wading River Road was out of order. Being a man, I first called MY WIFE to let her know that she shouldn't wait up, then I went into the ACE Hardware store to find a solution. I came out with a caulking gun, a tube of silicone, and a garden hose. 75 minutes later, I was at the jetty by the Shinnecock inlet, SPEARFISHING!

Tomorrow, my day off from training and renovations, I'll be "Cross training" (as my opponent calls his Thighmastering and Pilates and mall walking and morning quickies with his "partner") by drilling holes on a roof at Dix Hills. I'll meet Neil and Roberto at 7, we'll probably ride to the job together so we can cruise the HOV lane to get back home before dark so I can put on the third coat of joint compound, the wake up early Saturday to prime and paint. Do you see what you are dealing with?

"32 miles from home. High as shit on endorphins. And now this!" ~ Derek

Your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea what he's talking about. ~ Ted

A Picture Speaks a Thousand Words

But I can explain if necessary:

What's the difference between me and you?

About 5 banks accounts, 3 ounces, and 2 vehicles.

WANTED: The Outlaw Heavy D

Posse's on your trail bitch.

Follow @BeatDerek on Twitter

Want to know the latest? You can follow me on Twitter as @BeatDerek:

http://twitter.com/BeatDerek

Updates to include training regiment, diet, tactical ideas for wining the tri, and anything tangentially related to beating Derek.

Staring at the Sea - By Derek.

Derek here.

Perhaps I want to beat myself, since yesterday, on my day off from training, I smoked a cigar while walking 9 holes with Jack at Nissequoge GC, then ate fried clam platter washed down with two pints of Blue Point and two Camels at Nick's Clam Bar, and five Oreos at home.

Not surprisingly, I feel a little shaky this morning as I stare at the Long Island sound and contemplate today's workout, my first "ocean" swim. Swimming in the ocean is like walking blindfolded in a bad neighborhood. I'll be going out beyond the roped off area, exposing my still soft underbelly to the curious, potentially hostile sea creatures below. The dangers are real and they are many. A crab could latch on to my nether regions. A man o war could ensnare me. A school of bluefish in a feeding frenzy could take off that last 10 pounds I need to lose in a matter of seconds. If I swim too far out, a Long Island guido on a jetski could run me over just to make his nasty fiance smile. If I swim too close to shore, a surf caster could hook me, reel me in, knock me in the head with a rock, dangle me by the ankles and post a picture of me on Noreast.com. A white fisherman would release me, at least. If one of our many pescaderos caught me I might not be so lucky, as they keep and eat everything they haul in.

So, I'm anxious, as well as frustrated, due to the fact that I got on the scale today and was back above 200. 201 to be exact. In triathlon terminology, that makes me a "Clydesdale". I don't want to be a Clydesdale. I don't want to pull wagons full of bad beer down muddy, rutted roads. I want to run free in the bluegrass with the thoroughbreds. After losing 27 pounds by counting calories on my Iphone with "Lose It" this year, I have run into a brick wall exactly at the 200, the Clydesdale line. Past of the point of the triathlon was to forget the counting and just train ridiculously hard so I could get down to 189, where I would no longer be technically overweight, by BMI standards. Since I last weighed myself on Friday morning (198.5), I swam 1.2 miles (Fri), biked 29 miles (Sat), and ran 5.3 miles to meet my sister for 45 minutes of tennis (Sun). The problem can be summed up in how I spent my 45 minutes between running and tennis: while waiting for a court I ordered and devoured a Nachos Grande from Salsa Salsa. Calories: uncountable. Result: Clydesdale.

If I'm going to beat Ted, and not beat Derek, this is going to have to change.