Derek's first correspondence to Amy

Dear Amy,

I am so glad you wrote me. First because I was really excited about your email, specifically the mention of cookies AND Gatorade! Can I put in a request for OATMEAL RAISIN cookies (soft) and YELLOW Gatorade (the original). If you can hook that up, I just might win this thing.

Second, because I had been meaning to address the "Ted" situation. In the past 4 events I have competed in, someone calling himself Ted has sent taunting emails to me and pestered the race coordinators with dumb questions. He always threatens to wear something outrageous, bring his "carny" friends to water balloon me, and he taunts me incessantly about how he is going to beat me in whatever event I've entered. You are probably concerned, as I was initially, about my safety, not to mention any chaos this might cause in your race. Don't be. I've never met this "Ted"...like most internet cowards he scurries away like a cockroach in the sunlight, but I'm pretty sure he has no friends, certainly not carny friends, I've never seen any of my male co-racers wear anything scandalous, I've never been waterballooned, and Ted, whoever he is, won't beat me...not this year.

I have actually come to appreciate his rantings, however incoherent and toothless, as they motivate me to train harder. Yesterday, I crushed 66 miles in the Catskill mountains, the ruthless Winisook-Peekamoose loop, racing against a phantom Ted the whole four hours. I instructed my kids to ambush me with water balloons at some point during the ride, and it didn't slow me at all, in fact, I found it invigorating. Saturday, I went for a 2 mile training swim, upstream in the roaring, 46 degree Esopus whitewater, in my tightest leather pants. I am ready for anything, Amy, and the Gatorade (yellow!) and cookies (oatmeal raisin!) will take me to that level where only elite Aquabikers stroke and pedal.

In the meantime, while I was eating my recovery meal of canned tuna (no mayo) and salt-free saltines, Ted, was drinking and carousing with skanks in "La-La Land" I know this because he sent me pics of some drunken, half-silicone, disease-infested Hollywood hos along with his latest taunts. He said he was "cross training". Ted thinks he can mock me, mock OUR race, and, for that he should be punished. But please don't punish him by banning him from the event. Let him compete, so I, and the Vineman Aquabike, can punish him properly.

Eyes on the Prize,
Derek

My Main Biking Loop

All this time I was under the assumption I was biking 25 miles. And as time progressed and my time got under 90 minutes (1:26 BT), I kept thinking I was really moving. Turns out it's only 20 miles. I'm screwed.

View 20 mile bike loop in a larger map

In the meantime, email #2 to Amy the Race Director

Hi Amy,

Wow. That website is helpful. Thanks so much for suggesting I read it completely. Since I didn't see any slogan's or taglines on the website, for now allow me to suggest that you borrow one from the Mighty Hampton's Tri: "Face your fears, Live your dreams". Isn't that what we'll all be doing come July 31st?!

That, and Beating Derek.

Now, on to business. I may in fact come up and do the course before hand as you suggest, perhaps in early July. I'm thinking of putting together a little informal pre-race race. The 2010 Pre-Race Vineman AquaBike Race (PVAR). Can you perhaps let the others know that this will be happening. We'll keep it simple so as to not overshadow the main race, but there will be awards for the contestants (medals, etc) and recognition in local newspapers and blogs.

Just like the last tri-event I did (Sept '09), I will have a large group of friends supporting me. Some are surfer buddies from Hawaii, a few are close friends from my summer working as a carny. Last year they pulled a surprise ambush on Derek (surprise to him, not to me since I masterminded the whole operation) as he approached the final 500 yds of the run. With water balloons and super-soakers they attacked him mercilessly - it was hilarious. Most of the spectators thought it was funny, and I think Derek did too once he got up off the ground and dusted himself off.

Do you mind if we do that again to Derek in this years AquaBike? Since there is no run (thank the Lord) we'll have to find a more suitable time to do it but rest assured it will be a surprise and probably no one else except Derek will get hit with the balloons. All in good fun, right?

Also, I may have a very skimpy bathing suit, I assume that's ok. It covers everything but its tight and minimalistic for less drag. One of the many things I'll be doing to try to get any advantage I can over Derek.

Speaking of Derek, has he contacted you? He won't return any of my calls but I think he's been training hard. He actually has a road bike (I don't, but hope to by July 31st) and may have a slight competitive advantage on the bike. A strategically timed water balloon attack could potentially negate that. Although Derek is very much like a sleeping bear, and as we know its often best to let sleeping bears be.

Anyway, I love what you are doing with this event and can't wait. I do have some suggestions on how it could be better but right now I just want to focus on starting to train and keep my eye on the prize (beating Derek).

Thanks again for some of your suggestions,

Ted

We need sponsorship, right?

Can anyone say "Pliny"? I can think of nothing better than a cold Pliny post-race. I will race for you, Pliny. Will you be there for me?

Must...contact...Russian River Brewery.